A bevy of Bond Boys
When I invited Licence to Queer readers to imagine Bond 26 featuring the first Bond Boy, I did not expect such imaginative - and entirely feasible - ideas. I asked you to be bold and you more than delivered. Here are your suggestions. Expect Good Boys, Bad Boys turned Good and suggestive names that might make even Bond blush.
For the Bond needs a boyfriend challenge, I asked readers to dispense with the hints and the need to read between the lines. Bond would form, unequivocally, a romantic and/or sexual attachment with another man. Pure and simple.
I wanted three things:
1. The name of a male actor who should play the first Bond boy on screen. They didn’t have to be gay or bisexual in real-life. It’s great when queer actors play queer characters, and the industry really needs to ramp up its efforts with this. But confining ourselves merely to out gay actors would limit the field somewhat at the present time. Even so, several of your suggestions are out gay actors (bravo!).
2. The character’s name. This is a Bond character so a little innuendo is often a good way to go. I asked you to keep it PG and not cross the line and most of you abided by this (although some came a bit close!).
3. How he and Bond meet. You could take inspiration from the Bond Girls or go completely original. With one exception (included right at the end of this article), all of them were totally believable and very Bondian.
And that’s my overwhelming feeling about your ideas - they are so believable and quintessential Bond. To me, it’s daft - and very unbelievable - that James Bond has not had an intimate encounter with a Boy over all these years. Science has known for decades (since at least 1948, with Kinsey’s famous study) that practically no human beings are excluisvely homosexual or heterosexual, even if they don’t act on these feelings or acknowledge them openly. And in Bond’s case, it’s absurd that a secret agent, expected to do what he must to get the job done, would not find himself at least flirting with an attractive male ally or opponent. Such a scene appeared in a Bond screenplay more than thirty years ago. Isn’t it about time 007 took the next step?
As long-time Licence To Queer supporter Sandra says, “it makes no sense for 00s to be heterosexual. If seduction is one of their approved methods why limit themselves? In my headcanon all 00s are bisexual or pansexual. It's a requirement for the job.”
And Jon Larkin, who has done more than his fair share of ensuring queer representation happens on British TV screens as a core writer for soap Hollyoaks, hits the nail on the head by pointing out: “we've had almost 60 years to watch the heteronormative version [of Bond] and dream up our own (superior) take!”
By publishing all of these ideas for a Bond Boy I don’t for a moment intend to further diminish the roles for women in the series. I fully expect (hope) that, in future Bond films, the women are not just taking over the teamsters (I tip my Zorin-emblazoned hard hat to Stacey Sutton here) but many other roles too. I want a female M again, more female Double-0s and we’re definitely overdue another female villain with the ambition of Elektra King. Any future Bond film HAS to pass the Bechdel test. Spectre didn’t and Skyfall just about gets over the bar. Here’s hoping No Time To Die does better.
I also hope Bond films get more diverse in other ways. We had several excellent suggestions for actors of colour to play Bond Boys, something that provoked idiotic-levels of controversy when the world got its first black Bond Girl.
You’ll have noticed that in this article I have adopted the convention (after Lisa Funnell) of referring to Bond Girls with capital letters to denote their importance. The Bond Boys therefore get the same treatment.
There are some ideas I have consciously included because there would be no way they would ever be allowed into a Bond film. Famously, ‘Pussy Galore’ received the endorsement of Britain’s Royal Family, so when drawing the line I asked: would I be happy if the Queen ending up seeing this? Anything that didn’t pass the Her Majesty’s test does not appear here (or does so in a censored form). If I have accidentally missed yours out (and it wasn’t obscene) please let me know.
If you’re expecting to see Ben Whishaw’s Q mentioned in here, you’ll be disappointed. Oh yes, there were many who put his name forward. @somrharris put up the most passionate fight. And although I’m inclined to agree that there is definitely something there, this is still - to date at least - in the realm of wish fulfilment.
So, without any further ado, here is a Bond Boy bevy of wish fulfilment!
Good Boys
Classic movie expert Gabriela brought her love for film noir to bear on the issue, giving Bond’s boyfriend a trauma to overcome with the help of Bond. Josh O’Connor’s Alex would be the villain’s kept boy, echoing several of Fleming’s heroines. According to Gabriela, there should be no doubt in the audience’s mind: Alex “just wants to be loved”. That would definitely appeal to Bond’s saviour complex.
Perhaps because I stipulated that the character should be Bond’s boyfriend, a substantial love interest, few took it down the Mr Moneypenny route (which in all honesty, I think is the most logical way of tentatively introducing authentic gay representation into the series). Guy Brasher went there, promoting Naomie Harris to M and giving her a “gorgeous” male PA called Maxwell.
Harry Steele envisions Daniel Brühl as Interpol agent Hans Olivier (“because his hands are all over you”). The character’s cleverly suggestive surname is also an homage to that pillar of the British acting establishment Laurence Olivier who was bisexual. As a Spanish-German actor, Brühl would be in the tradition of many of the 60s Bond girls in being European.
Another European Bond Boy already working in the spying game would be Gabriel Rodman played by Bill Skarsgård. Licence to Queer writer Jack Bell envisions this junior Swedish intelligence officer being paired with a reluctant Bond to track a terrorist through the chilly Scandinavian far lands: "Mr Bond, an old saying in my country: what is frozen in ice comes forth in thaw..."
@moore007please would cast Tom Holland as Bond’s rookie partner from MI6, but I cannot possibly repeat his character name in a public forum (if you want to Google it yourself it’s the ‘stage name’ of a filmmaker - *cough* - whose real name is Simon James Honey).
Ben Williams introduced Mark Strong as 008. His character name was William Packer. I’m not going near that one - you can unpack it yourself.
Not quite as bad, but getting there, was my own husband. He determined to cast Logan Lerman (because… reasons) but he almost had a tantrum when I said he couldn’t post his original idea for his name because there was no way a censor would allow it into a Bond film. In the end, he backtracked and went for the ‘clean’ version: Piotr Orswallow. Piotr would be “a whistleblowing croupier, paired to work with Bond to bring some gambling thing which I’ve not quite worked out yet as I didn’t put too much effort in past the name”. Sigh.
esblofeld007 had a very detailed story worked out for Bond and his Boy. In Love Never Dies, Bond would work alongside Ian Hungstrong, played by Jason Statham, no stranger to stirring up some homoerotic tension in the Transporter films.
Reuben Wakeman (@ToysOfBond) cast Omar Sy, fresh from his Bondian antics on Netflix’s Lupin (I strongly recommend it) as Gabin, Bond’s new contact in the Deuxième Bureau: “Drawn together initially on a joint mission on Guadeloupe in the Caribbean, he proves to be more than just an agent who can handle himself.” A great idea for a Bond Boy - although I also think Sy would be a brilliant Bond (Fleming’s character is half French after all).
Straddling the line between Good and Bad Bond boys, LÄNE envisioned a throwback to The Spy Who Loved Me. In one version, Bond learned to trust and work alongside Colt Lode Runner, an indigenous rights activity played by Kiowa Gordon. In another, he had a Russian operative, Sasha Ignatiev meeting Bond on a mission to a ski resort owned by a corrupt businessman with a showdown (Bond and Ignatiev both allied) in the marble city of Ashgabat, Turkmenistan. Ukranian actor Oleg Zagorodnii (right, below) would play the Russian agent who keeps Bond’s bed warm.
Bad Boys turned Good
@ThorTwinkle took the Bad Girl turns Good convention (Pussy Galore, May Day, et al) and gender-switched it. He even provided a title for the film: "Goodbye To The Lying Me" would co-star Oliver Jackson-Cohen as Leroy MaChérie, a bounty hunter hired by Blofeld to kill Bond. However, things don’t go as Blofeld intended, and the two will eventually fall in love and team up to defeat Ernst together.
In You Only Live Twice, Connery famously quips “Oh, the things I do for England” while trying to get information out of Bad Girl Helga Brandt by taking her to bed. We get the idea it’s hardly a hardship for 007. Playing with this convention, @justfields1 cast Luke Evans as Charlie Humps, the son of a megalomaniac billionaire being investigated by MI6. Humps will turn out to be the Good Boy.
Luke Evans is notable for being one of the relatively few out gay actors in high-profile roles today. Another is Wentworth Miller, who came out in 2013 after taking a commendably principled position on a Russian film festival he was asked to attend and has said he is now only interested in playing gay characters. Jamie Blade would make him Captain Michael Cockpit, a US Air Force pilot working with Felix Leiter, who sends him on a mission with Bond, knowing they'll likely hit it off. Would Felix be jealous, or his relationship with Bond an open one? Definitely an avenue worth exploring.
A name currently being thrown into the ring as the next 007 himself is Regé-Jean Page. Mike Royle cast him as Bond’s Boy, complete with a name you would have to say very carefully to avoiding upsetting a prudish censor: Dixie Normous. Dixie meets Bond at a polo match where Dixie is playing for the villain’s team (can you see where this is going?). He was adopted at a young age by the villain. 007 plays for the opposition team and their eyes meet in the changing room after the game…
“Youth is no guarantee of innovation”: daddies or twinks?
While age IS just a number, with just a couple of notable exceptions Bond’s Girls are usually younger than 007 (the infantalising ‘Girl’ says it all). And most of the Boys you suggested were as well. There were some great suggestions for older Bond Boys however.
Alice Dryden went the sugar daddy route, casting 69 year old Nigel Havers as Corin d'Issy (a.k.a. "Cor! Dishy!”) as the villain's right-hand man (careful there Alice...). He's ordered to torture Bond but would succumb to his charms instead.
Sandra would like Toby Stephens, now in his early fifties, to return to the Bond universe after playing the villain in Die Another Day and Bond himself in the excellent radio adaptations of Fleming’s novels. In Bond 26 (presumably without Craig, who is a couple of years older than Stephens), he would play Richard Hardbone, a foreign ambassador who is (according to Sandra) far from ambassadorial in the bedroom. Take that how you will! Sandra’s recognises recasting a familiar face might be a long shot and she thinks Idris Elba (approaching 50) would be just as good for Ambassador Hardbone.
“Someday, you’ll have to make good on your innuendos”: Bond Boy names
The name ‘Richard’ seemed ripe with possibility, albeit in a less blush-inducing manner than Goldfinger’s ‘Pussy’ Galore. Kendall Blanc’s Richard Hardens would be a fresh-faced field agent, played by rising star Callum Turner. Blanc has the meet cute all worked out: “Sent to assist on a black-tie mission, he brings Bond a drink which inspires 007 to quip “bottoms up” just as the lift doors ding open for them to head upstairs.”
Giving a Bond Girl a suggestive name does, of course, define her - first and foremost - as a sex object. And while I would never condone doing this to any human being in real-life, it’s probably only fair that the same thing would happen onscreen with the first Bond Boy after Bond’s Girls have been thus objectified for the better part of a century.
Even so, some of the Bond Boy names got rather near the knuckle, blasting off into Dr Goodhead territory. Here are some I am able to reproduce on a family-friendly website. If you find them too suggestive, then that’s on you and your dirty mind.
TV and theatre writer Jon Larkin cast out gay actor David Ames as “Hunter Bottoms, a barista who stops Bond downing a poisoned Cortado. Hunter: "Careful what you swallow, Mr Bond". He's kidnapped by the poisoner. Chase ensues across London. James rescues him. Typical - he's Q's ex. Throuple vibes.” A very well thought-through idea, although it’s a mystery why Jon supplied an image of Ames wearing an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place on Baywatch. Maybe one of him in Bondian blue trunks wasn’t available.
Jack Lugo felt Chris Evans could play Barry Goodswallow, Holly Goodhead's cousin. Along comparable lines, @TheWizardOfIce thinks the best way forward with Bond 26 is to go full-on Moonraker and cast Adam Driver as CIA agent Dr Ollie Goodhead in a remake of the 1979 camp classic. He notes that “I’m definitely keeping the final quip from Q in but it might need editing for the Saudi/Alabama market.” Indeed!
Speaking of re-entries, @T_Futurist came up with four ideas for Bond Boys. His celever plays on words are a very Bondian combination of suggestive and classy, with a Fleming-sense of boarding school snobbery:
Billy Howle is Philip E’llatio. While undercover at a wine tasting event, Bond encounters Italian wine sommelier (name tag) P. E’llatio, who pours him a generous Pinot Noir.
"I'm sure you'll enjoy how this goes down, Mr. Bond."
"It's James, Phil."
Jamie Dornan is Rolf Trade. Bond is mistaken for an enemy by Trade, an agent of German Intelligence. The handsome Rolf almost chokes 007 to death before Bond saves himself by uttering a recognition code in German: 'Wienerschnitzel'.
Andrew Garfield is Hardy Bottoms. “M assigns a contact for Bond who poses as a cricket player for a country club owned by the villain. Eventually 007 learns that Bottoms is playing for the other 'team'.”
Harris Dickinson is Harry Dickinson (no need to change surname of the actor), Moneypenny's nephew who is interning for the summer and is in charge of delivering and collecting interoffice male (correction: mail) to Bond's office.
Several suggested a Turkish bathhouse or gay sauna would be a suitable meet cute location, including Channing Thompson (casting Australian actor Brenton Thwaites) and Max Byrne (casting out gay actor Matt Bomer as Dr Steele). Novelist Thom Collins fleshed out the idea with his casting of Armie Hammer. Leaving aside that we are unlikely to see Armie Hammer in a big movie of any kind for the foreseeable future, Mr Hammer (in Thom’s conception) would mostly be cast because his real name would also work for the character. Thom suggested Bond would meet Mr Hammer in a steamy sauna, a la Xenia Onatopp in GoldenEye, but with more of a gay cruising vibe. He and Bond would be “just two silhouettes in the mist” echoing Fleming’s description of Bond himself (in Moonraker) as a “silhouette”.
In less sterotypically-gay territory, Liam Scanlan takes the crown for the most bizarre meet cute location: Bond and Simeon Weal-Barrow would first lock eyes while competing on an episode of that bastion of wordsmithery: TV quiz show Countdown. Simeon’s casting is hardly a conundrum however: he would be played by conspicuously-hot hobbit and Aidan Turner, whose propensity to appear shirtless in Poldark led to perennial speculation he might be the next Bond. Well, if he doesn’t get the role of 007 he can be the next best thing: his boyfriend.
